Humor & Satire

“DNR Alert”…. Is it for me or the refrigerator?

As one gets older and begins to have suspicions that some measure of senility may slowly be creeping into their minds, perhaps in some way that is a blessing and allows them to express themselves in ways not familiar to others around them. As we all know its not unusual for such individuals to express to us concerns we may not quite relate too. Due to recent events in my life I have developed this deadly fear regarding the death of my refrigerator verses my own death.

Although it is quite common in our culture today to litter our refrigerator’s doors with a potpourri of items from pictures of the grand-kids, cartoons, advertisements, coupons to various “To Do” lists, from time to time it becomes incumbent upon us to attach something of some significance or importance to us on our refrigerator doors. I admittedly had a few magnetic ads on my refrigerator’s freezer door but fell sadly short of the quantity I would need to keep pace with the norm found in most homes. Such was the case for me a few months back.

At that time it had become necessary for me to enlist the care of a part-time caregiver who was mainly involved in house cleaning duties and some measure of cooking. In the early stages of this care-giving endeavor I was informed that since my “Living Will” stipulated that I should not be resuscitated due to a cardiac arrest event that I would need to post a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form in my home visible to the public and particularly to any EMT personnel who might be called to the house should it be necessary for the caregiver to do so in an emergency situation.

Immediately I thought what could be any more appropriate that posting my “Do Not Resuscitate” order on the door of my refrigerator. Who could miss seeing that I wondered? And so it came to past….

A few days later as I passed by the frig and glanced over at the DNR form it all of a sudden occurred to me that perhaps this might cause some confusion in an emergency situation. The “Do Not Resuscitate” seems at this point actually quite apropos for both the frig and me. My concern over this issue arose from a blog post, “Taking It To the Limit One Day At A Time“, which I recalled having written in June of 2014 about my old, reliable refrigerator that I had owned for so long and the fact that it was over 25 years old.

Now of course it is completely silly and outrageous of me to think anyone would think the posted DNR form on the refrigerator door was for anything or anyone but me since I am the only “living” thing in the house. Nevertheless what if I wake up in a hospital one day and they inform me that my refrigerator has been buried. What if one day I come into the kitchen to find my refrigerator no longer running, I faint from the shock, and the EMT crew takes me to the hospital and the refrigerator to the morgue without trying to resuscitate it. In that referenced blog post I basically talked about the age of my dear old reliable refrigerator and surely wondered just how much longer the frig would be with me. So this scenario is not completely out of the range of possibility.

For now, the only solution I can come up with to alleviate my fears is to tape the DNR form to “my” back and remove it from the refrigerator door. My family of course thinks I am being quite silly over the entire thing but they are simply not aware of the true insight you get as you make efforts to master your consuming senility…. 🙂

Roof Top & Gutter Gardening….

Just a little observation of note from this past summer….

It came to my attention as I gazed around from my patio one morning this past summer that one of my neighbors must have planted their yearly tomato garden on the roof of their house. Needless to say this seemed extremely odd to me. But my initial observation concluded that it could not have been anything else. You can make your own judgement from the photos just below….

Then not long after I noticed a large apparent weed growing from my next door neighbors gutter. There were actually three or four of them along a stretch of gutter some thirty-feet long or so. These growing freaks of nature were not as alien to me as the previously noted tomato patch I discussed. They were simply the result of a gutter full of foreign material such as leaves, dirt, and acorns which had compacted themselves into the perfect medium to grow plants as reflected in the photo below….

While making these observations of my neighbors homes and perhaps some measure of neglect on their part in home landscaping I could not but gloat over my decision some years back to have the “Leaf Guard” gutter system installed on my home. A bit pricey but one of the best home investments I ever made.

Now before I give the impression that I am completely taken with myself, might I note that I did not have the “Leaf Guard” system installed on my patio roof since it did not lend itself to such a system. So the patio roof system was subject to the same invasion of foreign materials compatible for plant growth as any other open gutter.

So after due ridicule of my neighbors and their rooftop gardens I decided to step out into the backyard and look at my immaculate patio gutters just for one last ego boost regarding the subject. Expecting of course to see the results of a well-cared for gutter I was greeted by one of those green aliens of my own growing right in the center of my gutter….

It goes without saying that my pride had taken a huge hit, not to mention that over the next few days I would be working as time permitted to clean my own gutter out. Pretty much over the embarrassment now, I am proud to say I am no longer a card-carrying member of the local neighborhood roof gardening club. I ultimately of course concluded that these roof growing freaks of nature were simply the results of neglect on the part of my neighbors and unfortunately myself for not cleaning off their roofs nor cleaning out their gutters in a timely manner, thus avoiding the ridicule and embarrassment associated with such neglect. 🙁

Roof Limb Fishing….

The two words ‘limb’ and ‘fishing’ when combined in the same sentence have usually brought out the worse in fishermen. The reason why? Well, it usually infers that in the act of casting or reeling in your bait you got hung up on an underwater limb, often resulting in the loss of a fish and/or your bait.

Well, at my house the dreaded curse of being hung up on a limb has taken on a completely different complexion. It has now become a quite functional process of removing unwanted limbs that have fallen off my trees and onto my roof.

At my age climbing up on the roof to remove unwanted debris such as limbs which most often fall during bad, stormy weather is no longer possible for safety reasons. But out of the unfortunate aging state has brought forth a new challenge and sport… roof limb fishing!

For those of you who may not be familiar with the sport, I have put together a visual instructional video that should provided you some insight into this new sport.

In closing I should note that I have never had a tree fall on the house so I’m not speaking from experience but I am assuming that it will take a very good deep-sea reel and some high poundage line to get the tree off the roof. Good luck otherwise in your limb fishing endeavors… 🙂

Wheelchair Driving for Dummies – 101

Although I have not been actively blogging over the past few months, I have been actively pursuing what must surely be just routine for most elders and that is doing my best to make it from one day to the next. Over the last couple of months due to some issues with my legs and of course the always present COPD I was determined that I just needed to get me one of those motorized wheel chairs to help assist my mobility around the house and my life would be back to some measure of order.

My doctor assured me that as long as I could take a step every five minutes or so and maintain an upright position I would have to fight Medicare tooth and nail to get one through them so I just avoided that headache completely and went out and bought one myself. Got what I thought was a really nice one at not too bad of a price and I was ready too rock and roll. But mostly as it turns out it was more like “bump and bang” than “rock and roll”. She’s a beauty though….

The poor doors and door facings, not to mention the molding, have basically met their demise due to my expertise and controlling a motorized wheel chair… at least in my house. Below are a few photos of the subject demise (click on photo to enlarge)….

Those photos were taken several weeks ago so quite honestly they only reflect a minimal amount of the damage done at present. But I am fortunate enough to have save a can of the original paint and now have the wood-filler, spatula, and sandpaper required to return them to so measure of their original condition. Oh yes, and I also have some of the felt color sticks for the paneling. 🙂

And just by chance if you’re wondering whether the wheelchair is too wide to fit through certain doorways in my house… well the unfortunate response is no, it will fit through them all just fine depending of course on the skill of the driver. 🙁

The Tenderness of Motherhood….

Originally Published November 3, 2009

The tenderness of motherhood exists throughout the world we live and we humans, as well as our animal counterparts, seem to honor and exhibit that tenderness of motherhood in exemplary fashion. A tenderness that is exhibited whether it is…..

Motherhood 1On A Riverbank….

Motherhood 2In The Artic….

Motherhood 3On the African Serengeti….

Motherhood 4In the Oceans….

Motherhood 5In the Jungles of India

Or…..

Motherhood 6At a City Park Near You

On the Lighter Side….

This is actually an old post of mine from an earlier blog published in March of 2009. It features two of my favorite videos and I wanted to re-share them. In the first video Conan O’Brien does a little bird-watching and in the second video Christopher Walken gives us a gardening tip.

If you are a die-hard “bird-watcher” with a sense of humor or even, for that matter, just a backyard bird watcher then you need to click on the link below and watch the excerpt video from the Conan O’Brien Show….

And if you are into ‘horticulture’; a plant grower; the green-thumb type, then you certainly don’t want to miss this excerpt from Saturday Night Live. Especially if you like Cactus and you’ll get a great gardening tip! That video link is just below….

Rogue Camera Murders Local Lakewood Resident

Speaking of senile ramblings, it is at times quite curious as to the things we can dream up with plenty of time on our hands. Such was the case sometime back when I purchased a new camera and it struck me that perhaps cameras actually have some measure of feelings. I wondered what my old camera, which worked perfectly by the way, could possibly be thinking when confronted by the fact it had been replaced by a newer, perhaps more sophisticated type of camera. Those results are reflected below….

Read about it here – Murder On Oaklawn Drive

Sister, Sister… Oh my, what have you done?

A few months ago I decided as one of my prerequisites in preparing for my eventual death and subsequent move to Cemeteryville I did not want to be encumbered with having to cram a bunch of stuff into my casket for the long trip nor did I want to leave a bunch of stuff sitting around that my sisters would have to deal with disposing of after my death.

Among that ‘bunch of stuff’ that I referred to was one of my favorite things, a puma/cougar statuette that I had owned now for over forty years. It certainly didn’t demand any monetary value of any consequence but it was an item that had been a centerpiece of my home decorations for all these years. The picture below I think represents the 3-foot tall statuette in all its elegance and grandeur….

antiqued-gold-panther

Now my youngest sister had in recent years expressed a sincere interest in perhaps having the statuette upon my departure for Cemeteryville and I could not have been any happier that a dear family member wanted something for themselves that had been so important to me. So it was a few months ago when I was cleaning out my attic trying to dispose of many of my ‘bunch of stuff’ items that I decided to go ahead and give the puma/cougar to my sister as I knew it would receive the care and stature that it so deserved when it moved to its new home.

So now I fast-forward to my most recent rant regarding the offense of a very early Christmas display erected by a neighbor across the street from me who is selling his house and in fact doesn’t even live there anymore. The offense of early Christmas decorating has always been a bit of a pet peeve with me. And I was again going to have to deal with the same offense again when making a recent visit to my sister’s home. But let me say in her defense, before that visit she had fore warned me she had decorated early due to her upcoming busy schedule. And I understood that and could live with that…. up to a point!

Now upon my arrival for my visit as we walked through her great room on our way to my sister’s kitchen table where our visits normally took place, I quickly took in her Christmas decorating and thought it was quite elegant as was to be expected of course.

But it was some two hours later as I was leaving from quite the pleasant visit that I glanced over toward her fire place as I was walking back through her great room and found myself staring in absolute shock. There next to her fireplace was my beautiful puma/cougar statuette totally defaced in my opinion due to a damn Santa hat on top of its head. I actually thought for a moment I was going to lose consciousness but fortunately quickly recovered. I immediately turned to my sister and asked, “What in the world have you done to my puma/cougar statuette? You put a Santa hat on him?” (Well, here…. you’ve got to see this to believe it)…..

cougar-with-santa-hat-2

My sister, rather than wreathing in pain and embarrassment from defacing one of her brother’s most cherished possessions as one would expect, immediately broke out in laughter noting that she wondered if I would notice how her Christmas decorating inspirations had befallen one of my most favorite things. In the end of course we all had a good laugh over the situation and of course in reality it was nice to see my puma/cougar get a rather prominent place in the great room’s Christmas decorations scheme of things when it was all said and done. He does look quite handsome there, Santa hat and all…. 🙂

By the way, who put the grunting in tennis?

sharapovaI seldom if ever write anything regarding the sports world but today is one of those special occasions. My little darling of tennis, Maria Sharapova, has apparently gotten herself into a bit of a pickle it would seem. She took a required drug test in late January and on March 2, was charged with using a banned substance. Sponsors are already bailing and this will definitely have a serious effect on her tennis career.

It is somewhat funny how we as fans react to such news. Had this been anyone else, say Serena Williams, I would have been calling for her head. But since its my pretty little Sharapova, not to mention the fact she’s a pretty good tennis player, I was been a bit taken back by the whole thing. In her case its best I think if we just forget about the whole thing.

There will be a lot of fans however who I’m sure will be quite gratified at this development. My pretty little Sharapova is somewhat disliked for her on court manners, to be specific her grunting during play. Holding that thought, it got me to thinking… how did all this grunting in tennis even get started?

Well, after a little brief research I found a video on YouTube that left me pretty much laughing right in the middle of my Sharapova doping miseries. To address the question posed in the title of this post, it would seem Monica Seles and Jimmy Conners are credited with starting the obnoxious phenomenon. And since then it has been incorporated into the game of many of the well known men and women players. I thought the accompanying video was both humorous and enlightening on the subject….

My favorite by the way is the very last one who the commentator equates as to what sounds like a little girl falling off a cliff. 😀