Humor & Satire

Roof Limb Fishing….

The two words ‘limb’ and ‘fishing’ when combined in the same sentence have usually brought out the worse in fishermen. The reason why? Well, it usually infers that in the act of casting or reeling in your bait you got hung up on an underwater limb, often resulting in the loss of a fish and/or your bait.

Well, at my house the dreaded curse of being hung up on a limb has taken on a completely different complexion. It has now become a quite functional process of removing unwanted limbs that have fallen off my trees and onto my roof.

At my age climbing up on the roof to remove unwanted debris such as limbs which most often fall during bad, stormy weather is no longer possible for safety reasons. But out of the unfortunate aging state has brought forth a new challenge and sport… roof limb fishing!

For those of you who may not be familiar with the sport, I have put together a visual instructional video that should provided you some insight into this new sport.

In closing I should note that I have never had a tree fall on the house so I’m not speaking from experience but I am assuming that it will take a very good deep-sea reel and some high poundage line to get the tree off the roof. Good luck otherwise in your limb fishing endeavors… 🙂

Wheelchair Driving for Dummies – 101

Although I have not been actively blogging over the past few months, I have been actively pursuing what must surely be just routine for most elders and that is doing my best to make it from one day to the next. Over the last couple of months due to some issues with my legs and of course the always present COPD I was determined that I just needed to get me one of those motorized wheel chairs to help assist my mobility around the house and my life would be back to some measure of order.

My doctor assured me that as long as I could take a step every five minutes or so and maintain an upright position I would have to fight Medicare tooth and nail to get one through them so I just avoided that headache completely and went out and bought one myself. Got what I thought was a really nice one at not too bad of a price and I was ready too rock and roll. But mostly as it turns out it was more like “bump and bang” than “rock and roll”. She’s a beauty though….

The poor doors and door facings, not to mention the molding, have basically met their demise due to my expertise and controlling a motorized wheel chair… at least in my house. Below are a few photos of the subject demise (click on photo to enlarge)….

Those photos were taken several weeks ago so quite honestly they only reflect a minimal amount of the damage done at present. But I am fortunate enough to have save a can of the original paint and now have the wood-filler, spatula, and sandpaper required to return them to so measure of their original condition. Oh yes, and I also have some of the felt color sticks for the paneling. 🙂

And just by chance if you’re wondering whether the wheelchair is too wide to fit through certain doorways in my house… well the unfortunate response is no, it will fit through them all just fine depending of course on the skill of the driver. 🙁

The Tenderness of Motherhood….

Originally Published November 3, 2009

The tenderness of motherhood exists throughout the world we live and we humans, as well as our animal counterparts, seem to honor and exhibit that tenderness of motherhood in exemplary fashion. A tenderness that is exhibited whether it is…..

Motherhood 1On A Riverbank….

Motherhood 2In The Artic….

Motherhood 3On the African Serengeti….

Motherhood 4In the Oceans….

Motherhood 5In the Jungles of India

Or…..

Motherhood 6At a City Park Near You

On the Lighter Side….

This is actually an old post of mine from an earlier blog published in March of 2009. It features two of my favorite videos and I wanted to re-share them. In the first video Conan O’Brien does a little bird-watching and in the second video Christopher Walken gives us a gardening tip.

If you are a die-hard “bird-watcher” with a sense of humor or even, for that matter, just a backyard bird watcher then you need to click on the link below and watch the excerpt video from the Conan O’Brien Show….

And if you are into ‘horticulture’; a plant grower; the green-thumb type, then you certainly don’t want to miss this excerpt from Saturday Night Live. Especially if you like Cactus and you’ll get a great gardening tip! That video link is just below….

Rogue Camera Murders Local Lakewood Resident

Speaking of senile ramblings, it is at times quite curious as to the things we can dream up with plenty of time on our hands. Such was the case sometime back when I purchased a new camera and it struck me that perhaps cameras actually have some measure of feelings. I wondered what my old camera, which worked perfectly by the way, could possibly be thinking when confronted by the fact it had been replaced by a newer, perhaps more sophisticated type of camera. Those results are reflected below….

Read about it here – Murder On Oaklawn Drive

Sister, Sister… Oh my, what have you done?

A few months ago I decided as one of my prerequisites in preparing for my eventual death and subsequent move to Cemeteryville I did not want to be encumbered with having to cram a bunch of stuff into my casket for the long trip nor did I want to leave a bunch of stuff sitting around that my sisters would have to deal with disposing of after my death.

Among that ‘bunch of stuff’ that I referred to was one of my favorite things, a puma/cougar statuette that I had owned now for over forty years. It certainly didn’t demand any monetary value of any consequence but it was an item that had been a centerpiece of my home decorations for all these years. The picture below I think represents the 3-foot tall statuette in all its elegance and grandeur….

antiqued-gold-panther

Now my youngest sister had in recent years expressed a sincere interest in perhaps having the statuette upon my departure for Cemeteryville and I could not have been any happier that a dear family member wanted something for themselves that had been so important to me. So it was a few months ago when I was cleaning out my attic trying to dispose of many of my ‘bunch of stuff’ items that I decided to go ahead and give the puma/cougar to my sister as I knew it would receive the care and stature that it so deserved when it moved to its new home.

So now I fast-forward to my most recent rant regarding the offense of a very early Christmas display erected by a neighbor across the street from me who is selling his house and in fact doesn’t even live there anymore. The offense of early Christmas decorating has always been a bit of a pet peeve with me. And I was again going to have to deal with the same offense again when making a recent visit to my sister’s home. But let me say in her defense, before that visit she had fore warned me she had decorated early due to her upcoming busy schedule. And I understood that and could live with that…. up to a point!

Now upon my arrival for my visit as we walked through her great room on our way to my sister’s kitchen table where our visits normally took place, I quickly took in her Christmas decorating and thought it was quite elegant as was to be expected of course.

But it was some two hours later as I was leaving from quite the pleasant visit that I glanced over toward her fire place as I was walking back through her great room and found myself staring in absolute shock. There next to her fireplace was my beautiful puma/cougar statuette totally defaced in my opinion due to a damn Santa hat on top of its head. I actually thought for a moment I was going to lose consciousness but fortunately quickly recovered. I immediately turned to my sister and asked, “What in the world have you done to my puma/cougar statuette? You put a Santa hat on him?” (Well, here…. you’ve got to see this to believe it)…..

cougar-with-santa-hat-2

My sister, rather than wreathing in pain and embarrassment from defacing one of her brother’s most cherished possessions as one would expect, immediately broke out in laughter noting that she wondered if I would notice how her Christmas decorating inspirations had befallen one of my most favorite things. In the end of course we all had a good laugh over the situation and of course in reality it was nice to see my puma/cougar get a rather prominent place in the great room’s Christmas decorations scheme of things when it was all said and done. He does look quite handsome there, Santa hat and all…. 🙂

By the way, who put the grunting in tennis?

sharapovaI seldom if ever write anything regarding the sports world but today is one of those special occasions. My little darling of tennis, Maria Sharapova, has apparently gotten herself into a bit of a pickle it would seem. She took a required drug test in late January and on March 2, was charged with using a banned substance. Sponsors are already bailing and this will definitely have a serious effect on her tennis career.

It is somewhat funny how we as fans react to such news. Had this been anyone else, say Serena Williams, I would have been calling for her head. But since its my pretty little Sharapova, not to mention the fact she’s a pretty good tennis player, I was been a bit taken back by the whole thing. In her case its best I think if we just forget about the whole thing.

There will be a lot of fans however who I’m sure will be quite gratified at this development. My pretty little Sharapova is somewhat disliked for her on court manners, to be specific her grunting during play. Holding that thought, it got me to thinking… how did all this grunting in tennis even get started?

Well, after a little brief research I found a video on YouTube that left me pretty much laughing right in the middle of my Sharapova doping miseries. To address the question posed in the title of this post, it would seem Monica Seles and Jimmy Conners are credited with starting the obnoxious phenomenon. And since then it has been incorporated into the game of many of the well known men and women players. I thought the accompanying video was both humorous and enlightening on the subject….

My favorite by the way is the very last one who the commentator equates as to what sounds like a little girl falling off a cliff. 😀

“PONG” – King of the video games….

I guess I have always enjoyed playing video games and became a huge fan of the Sega Genesis video consoles and games in the 1980s. I am particularly a fan of the arcade type space games and golf video games. Of course, as always, all good things come to an end and Sega would eventually close up shop in 1997. But there is, of course, no comparison to the graphic quality of the games on the market today verses the quality of the older game consoles.

Always slow to embrace change, I finally broke down several years ago and purchased a PlayStation 3 and have been reasonably happy with it. It’s a no-brainer with regard to the quality of the graphics. My first game purchase had to be the “Tiger Woods 09″ golf game. I loved it! I then purchased the ever popular “Call To Duty” and didn’t like that game whatsoever. That turned out to be because I just had too difficult a time using the PlayStation controller. I ended up giving it to my brother-in-law who obviously loved it since my sister threatened to divorce him if he didn’t stop playing it. But all’s fair in love and war. This same brother-in-law gave me a racing game, named “A Need for Speed – ProStreet”, and I like it so well I went out and spent another $150 on a silly-ass steering wheel attachment for my PlaStation. Not to mention another $50 for the supposedly ultimate racing game – “Grand Turismo”!

Having said all that to simply get to the subject of this post, there remains one video game that will live forever and rightly so, deserving a front row seat in the video game Hall of Fame. The one that started it all…..”PONG”! I’m sure some of the younger folks are not going to be familiar with “Pong” at all. And even today with its complete simplicity, it is still a joy to play. Not to mention the fact that the controller consist of one knob rather than numerous knobs and buttons needed for today’s typical video game.

Pong Video Game(My Pong Video Game – Click to Enlarge)

A couple of weeks ago I, by chance, ran across a little graphic animation of a ‘pong’ game and it got the ole’ memories stirring. Then I remembered having an old ‘pong’ game stored somewhere in the attic. So up I went and sure enough there it was. Now it is sitting on a table in the den having been dusted, cleaned and made like new!

And I also ended up making a video clip to pay homage to this giant of the video game world. So you’re invited to share a nostalgic moment in time if you dare and to click on the video below. There is an unmistakable sound that emanates from a “Pong” game and if you ever hear it, you will never forget it. You may wish to forget it, but you won’t!

If you are also a fan of some measure of the “Pong” video game, be sure and visit The Pong Story, a website containing lots of historical information and technical tips regarding the game and its many faces.

Brother-In-Law, what are they good for?

You know, for as long as I can remember it’s a known fact that when we talk about extended family the infamous “mother-in-law” has always topped our list of conversational topics and mostly gotten a bad-wrap to boot. There are certainly some beloved mother-in-law’s out there but we mostly hear about the mother-in-law from hell. But given my most recent birthday, I have given considerable thought to what is considered the standard norm when it comes to talking about individuals who are members of the extended family.

Now I have two brother-in-law and we all seem to get along fine when in each other’s company, or so I thought. In fact, I have always assumed that we actually enjoy each other’s company. However that assumption came to a screeching halt recently with the advent of my birthday.

Now you have to understand that my two brother-in-law don’t play golf together or have lunch with each other from time to time or just in general hang out together in any form or fashion. So I found it somewhat disturbing when I got birthday cards from each of them which were almost identical when it came to the birthday card’s cover art and subject matter. Now, either it is one of the most profound coincidences ever or they are both “ass” holes, to coin a term I was able to derive from the creature depicted on the cards I received. The damning card cover’s are shown are below….

Randy’s Jackass 2
Vergil’s Jackass 2

Of the hundreds of humorous cards that are on the market, what in this universe would have been behind such an unfathomable coordinated event? Astrologically I am a Scorpio but at the moment I feel like someone has bitten the tail off my scorpion. They think I’m a jackass?

Well, so be it I suppose but I must surmise that when I attend future family get-togethers or join my sisters and their husbands for dinner out… there will be a palatable chill in the air courtesy of this jackass brother-in-law as reflected in their loving birthday greeting! 🙁